Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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