I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
