Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
