JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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