Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
