The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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