shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
