I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
