Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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