I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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