how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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