Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
