i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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