I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
