he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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