I wish I could teleport
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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