I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
