there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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