I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
