UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You were trust falling into bushes
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
