I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
