I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
