he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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