life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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