haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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