I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
