i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
