I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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