Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
