He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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