Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
