True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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