Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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