she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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