I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
