i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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