3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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