God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
