I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
