hotel room ftw
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
