decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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