Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
