omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
