Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
