Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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