Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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