Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can you bring me the toilet please
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
