i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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