Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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