So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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