In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
