She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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