he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
