My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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