"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
