I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
