2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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