you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
